Beam Me Up Spock

Everything that is going on right now has made me realize more and more though I always knew this, that the majority of humans are self absorbed, ignorant jerks. I always try to look at the bright side of things but it’s getting harder and harder especially because it seems like not a day goes by that I don’t run in to some self absorbed jerk of a human. Of course we are all human and because of that we make mistakes, hopefully learn from mistakes, carry on and therefore do better because no one is perfect. However, what gave humans the right to treat one another with cruelty and hypocrisy? I guess my world of spreading peace, love, compassion, and so forth is far fetched am I right?

Many of you readers on here who have read my writings or my poetry know that I am a huge supporter of mental health awareness. As I’ve said before we all have our stories, we all have had our share of internal or external turmoil but some of us decide to pick that flower instead of the beast. I suffer with continuous PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression due to the past abuse I endured and I cannot tell you how hard it is to wake up every day and function in society. It is different for each of us that have any type of mental disorder. Do I use it as an excuse? No. Have I ever? No. I choose to pick the flower instead of the beast. Daily I struggle but I choose to be kind to others, I choose to live life to the best of my ability and keep on going even when I feel like giving up. Society makes me want to give up but I don’t.

Humans have failed in so many ways. We have failed one another as humans, friends, lovers, family, and as a general whole to keep this world together. Not perfection but just sanely functioning as a compassionate support system which is how I always dreamed the world should be. I guess I can continue to dream this fantasy of mine.

There are times where instead of the infamous “Beam me up Scottie!” line from Star Trek, I actually think in my head or say “Beam me up Spock!” since Spock was always my favorite. I say that because it is a humorous way for me to get through the bad days if I happen to have an encounter with a jerk or just feel out of my element. I am sure many of you can relate to that feeling. It is a figure of speech though some people unfortunately have acted upon their own figures of speech and some wonderful souls have been lost in this world to suicide. To some it may seem they took the coward or selfish way out but sometimes it is not that. Sometimes it is how cruel society has become and drove some to the brink of death or wanting to die. 

A friend of mine committed suicide in High School. I’ll never forget that. I will say that there are signs that are either right in front of you or there are silent signs. My point is be kinder, be sincerely yourself and be there for people and not just the people in your circle. Be a smile or a light in someone’s life because you never know when you may need it the most or the impact you may have on that person for the rest of your life. Some of the most vulnerable people are not the ones to be afraid of. They sometimes are a light that need electricity to help their own soul stay alive. The vulnerable are not what some consider the weak, the crazy, the attention seekers, the weirdos, or the outspoken. They are like you and I and some others that just care so much and are trying to find a balance in this world of chaos. 

I’m grateful for my loved ones and my few true friends and even strangers I have met that in their own way help keep me grounded and help spare me the literal portion of “Beam me up Spock!”… Without any of them I would not have the strength to continue in this world of self absorbed humans. 

Be kind to people in this shit hole called earth. The Universe is disgusted and so am I.

Peace, Love, Bliss, and don’t give up,

~Sara-Loretta Hardin~

 

Random Earthly Connections

To many I am Sara-Loretta, to my gamer friends I am Lersania, to some I am nothing, and to some I am something. Whichever it may be I am just that, just myself. The one thing that I have had mentioned to my very few true friends is that I wish the ones that live so far away were easier to just go spontaneously visit. Something that many of you I am sure can understand and relate to is the random connections among strangers that you eventually become close to. Those friendships of mine I cherish and those individuals I hope will always know that loyalty and honesty is something I appreciate and reciprocate. 

I truly believe that childhood experiences can have an affect on connections we as humans make in adulthood but I also feel that when we have endured trauma we tend to have insecurities that can either help or hinder us in those connections with people. Natural instinct for myself is a wall. To protect myself but also to get a sense of the person. If I read you and let my guard down and let myself become vulnerable two things come to my mind. 1. Will I get hurt 2. Will I scare the person off….. In this world I never felt good enough so in a way I think that friendships can make a person feel validated. The problem with that though is that if you don’t feel good about yourself you will constantly question the genuine sincerity of a friend. 

You have to know you are good enough for yourself and deserving of the friendship. Sometimes I think it is better to be upfront especially in society today. There are enough broken individuals where we need to try to be there for one another. It doesn’t mean suck someone down into the deep abyss with you or let them suck you down. It means never judge a book by it’s cover so you get to enchant on an amazing story with people you never met before that could be one of the most gratifying journeys in this life to learn and grow with. Be yourself. 

Sometimes I apologize for who I am as a person. Word of advice from a few who told me the same thing. Don’t. Never apologize for being undeniable uniquely you. What I went through made me who I am. The right people will appear in my life. Ones that embrace me as I need to embrace myself. I’m still a work in progress. We all are.

The connections I have with some people in my life whether near or far I appreciate more than you all know. Those connections I do not have with everyone but when I do have a connection with someone it’s real, special, my heart and soul, so keep it safe please. 

Spread Peace, Love, and Light amid chaos in the world,

Sara-Loretta Hardin

Picture: Today (1/23/20) Hi it’s me and our family dog Max!

Jan2020

Picture: Just me in 2014……Nostalgia with nature!

breathe

A New Beginning

First I would like to wish everyone of you amazing humans on here a wonderful Year. I do not have those so called New Years Resolutions because they have a bit of a cliche. So what I do is hope for a better year ahead, learning from any mistakes or regrets and continue to never give up even when I feel like giving up. I’m grateful for every person in my life in distance or close that has made an impact on giving me the strength to continue going on in this chaotic world. My little family, my few true friends, and even you strangers who are not necessarily strangers on here mean the world to me. Sometimes I don’t know how I make it in this world because though I know there are people worse off my past constantly tries to haunt me and bring me down. Though I know none of it was my fault I still carry the weight of it with me as I do with what goes on in the world. Sometimes it hurts to feel. It eats at my heart and every fiber in me and sometimes I don’t know how I handle it and I cannot handle it and I have a momentary breakdown. All I know is each day is a new beginning and no matter how many times you fall you get back up, no matter how many times you breakdown you keep getting up. You cannot allow yourself or the world to defeat you. With every new beginning one thing never changes and that is the love I have for ones dearest to me, the love I have for all of you humans out there that need it, my own unconditional love that I can say will never change because it is part of who I am and even if it may frighten some people away I will never change because with my new beginning “Love” is what I choose to keep in my heart and even when I am so angry at my past abuser in those moments the love inside of me stays. Not for that person but for myself, for my sanity. So when I reach out the heart inside of me has always and will always be my new beginning that keeps me going. Spread Love and peace in this hateful world and when you feel angry acknowledge it but don’t feed into it. Happy New Year. 

Kind Regards,

Sara-Loretta Hardin

 

 

Meanings

When we look at meanings of everything around us we tend to find both the good and the bad. Sometimes it can hurt and sometimes it can be wonderful and fulfilling. Yet when we look at every angle the meanings become overwhelming. You don’t know what to do whether to inhale the meaning of another meaning and let it go its cycle of meanings. Sometimes it all makes no sense. That’s why we are all human. We don’t make sense to others or even ourselves at times. What we say or do has meanings and even what we present or write has meanings. Yet we all still search as our souls are empty just lurking about looking for meanings. Then suddenly it can backfire and become meaningless but within that meaningless is a meaning and that is to continue to live and search and learn and love to our hearts content. 

Thoughts

 

In pondering about what I wish to do with my life in the next few years I cannot help but think that I will keep failing. My thoughts keep taking over and bringing me down further into self doubt. Though I have learned to embrace my learning disability more over time I am still having a difficult time when I fail. Sometimes I just wish I was an average person. I want to feel smart and beautiful and whole. Though I have a family I don’t feel my self worth is where it needs to be. Continuously a work in progress. Sometimes I just don’t know if I have the energy for it and I find it hard to keep myself afloat. My heart feels heavy and I want to flee from myself. In being as positive as I can be and finding the words to hopefully comfort others I find it difficult to tell myself the same things. It’s the strangest feeling and I do not know how to take compliments. I know I need to accept good things people say about me but I can’t so I just say a mere “thank you”. Sometimes I think that I won’t ever reach my goals and though I won’t give up I feel so inadequate. However there are times where people in society can make me feel that way. It’s something that I am sad to say I am used to. I guess it’s easier for others to treat people a certain way instead of working on their own flaws. That is something that makes me so upset. The world would be a better place if people would worry more about making themselves a better person and stop judging everyone else around them. Truth hurts doesn’t it? I’m definitely one for being outspoken though I have learned to tone it down a bit. It’s true what they say that your past is what makes you who you are. I guess I can agree to that but I won’t let it define me.

Differentiate the Obvious

Many of you whom have read my blogs and closely paid attention know that I am one of many advocates for mental health. Not only do I acknowledge that in this world “mental health” is a serious issue I also am open minded enough not to judge a book by its cover and wise enough to know the difference between a person who needs help with their “mental health” and/or a person who is just plain “cold hearted”.

Obviously we have both. However our media tends to glorify the individuals that have either hurt or killed many people over these past and recent events. The media should stop giving copy cat killers the advantage. This goes beyond “mental health”. If we are to as a society help put and end to these atrocities we have to be one step ahead. One of those main steps is stop giving these “cold hearted” type personalities glorification. 

So many want to make excuses for these sick individuals but I will say this: We ALL have our stories of having survived abuse or bullying and many of us NEVER attempted or killed anyone. This is where my belief that it’s not just “mental health” comes in. Please acknowledge that sometimes a person is just that “cold hearted”. Sometimes I am just sick of the excuses that society plays out. 

Do I care about a killers background story? Damn right I do! However I differentiate the obvious.

Please spread love and peace in the names of anyone that has ever been abused, raped, murdered…………………. 

No Forgiveness Deserved

With everything that has been in the news whether whole truth or partial truth because lets face it who the hell knows what to believe anymore in the media, I find myself fuming. 

There are two subjects that hit me hardest and that is: Abuse and Child Molesters (Rapists, Pedophiles, whatever the hell it’s the same damn category)……..

As I am not a violent person I cannot begin to describe how it upsets me when people that have done these things get away with it. Some of you may think I am crazy for saying this but I believe in capital punishment especially for child molesters, rapists, etc. 

I sit here and I try to type and cannot even think clearly because it bothers me so. Not only did I endure abuse but I was molested too by a man I wish was dead. Many people out there have their stories and yet no amount of therapy and no amount of support can ever take those memories away. 

Forgiveness is so easily thrown into sentences, forgiveness to go on, forgiveness not necessarily for the perpetrator but for yourself so you can move on. Advice greatly appreciated. I’m still not able to forgive. I cannot forgive what still haunts me.

I want to tell any of you that have been abused or molested/raped that it is not your fault. You have to make sure you keep telling yourself that. 

This is harder than I thought writing on this. I’m sorry. If any of you are still haunted just know that someone somewhere out there cares. I do. I care. I may be a stranger but we all have our stories. 

For all you abusers and child molesters out there I hope you all fucking rot. Capital punishment in the form of public hanging should never have been outlawed because people like yourselves who abuse and molest/rape people deserve to die and deserve no forgiveness. I’m not sorry for stating this. I’m speaking on behalf of survivors!!!! 

 

 

 

 

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