Thoughts

 

In pondering about what I wish to do with my life in the next few years I cannot help but think that I will keep failing. My thoughts keep taking over and bringing me down further into self doubt. Though I have learned to embrace my learning disability more over time I am still having a difficult time when I fail. Sometimes I just wish I was an average person. I want to feel smart and beautiful and whole. Though I have a family I don’t feel my self worth is where it needs to be. Continuously a work in progress. Sometimes I just don’t know if I have the energy for it and I find it hard to keep myself afloat. My heart feels heavy and I want to flee from myself. In being as positive as I can be and finding the words to hopefully comfort others I find it difficult to tell myself the same things. It’s the strangest feeling and I do not know how to take compliments. I know I need to accept good things people say about me but I can’t so I just say a mere “thank you”. Sometimes I think that I won’t ever reach my goals and though I won’t give up I feel so inadequate. However there are times where people in society can make me feel that way. It’s something that I am sad to say I am used to. I guess it’s easier for others to treat people a certain way instead of working on their own flaws. That is something that makes me so upset. The world would be a better place if people would worry more about making themselves a better person and stop judging everyone else around them. Truth hurts doesn’t it? I’m definitely one for being outspoken though I have learned to tone it down a bit. It’s true what they say that your past is what makes you who you are. I guess I can agree to that but I won’t let it define me.

WAVES

Waves rushing in

Carry me away again

Inevitably slowing me down

The horizon but a glimpse ahead

Yet I’m swept back again

I can’t breath

Don’t want to drown

But I can’t find ground

I keep going under

Slowly dying from the pain inside

Every time I try

It all encompasses me

No direction just a broken arrow

Too much to choose

No smooth waves to ride

My body cold and numb

The world has drowned me once again

But not for long

The Somewhere Nowhere

Running forward and stalling further

Nowhere to go not even nowhere

Anywhere but the sound waves of boom

Fighting the barriers within and around 

No way to get out of this purge

The instance of following leaves you blind

I can scream but the world is deaf

No more hate no more war no more no more

It doesn’t matter because we suffer though we hope

Blood shed regardless of unity 

No one cares or they smile through deceit

I could cry and die and they would stare 

The ones like me who feel the blood 

The ones like me who feel the earth

Only we know how hard angels cry

WHY

Logically we question Why

The answer is nowhere to be found

Life we live must be lived, cherished, learned, continued

Tearing ourselves apart

Searching for Why

Can’t we see there is no Why

There is Do 

There is Help

There is Change

Then memories follow

The “Why” is just a portal

 

Balance

Electricity pulsating through my veins

Shuddering though unable to move

Memories too painful to breathe

I die with unbearable strain

electric impulses killing off every cell 

memories disappearing slowly 

Fading into nothing but numbness

No balance when nothing left to grasp on to 

Just broken impulses of energy

Notes

Pieces falling against my skin

Sharp edges and crumbled bits

Fading words deaf to the world

Truth flows from the creases folding on and on

The paper weights won’t keep them down

I fly with each piece each word

Sharp edges won’t stop me

Pain made me into notes the notes that flow

Words that soar and go 

Paper smooth across my floating soul

Notes of me

Flesh

I want to tear through my flesh

Until the blood drips clear

No mending, no pain

Swarming around as my body lays

The puddle so deep no longer red

Disappearing as I take my last breath

I’ve been dead

Previous Older Entries Next Newer Entries