Place

In my mind there’s a place

I go so far from myself that not even particles can see

Beckoning my soul to follow and disappear to never be found

The tears fall from emptiness no longer there

It’s all that lingers anymore between the lines of motion

Hollow surfaces and webs of feelings and numbness withering

Destructing my inner being to once more that I was

A flower with silkened petals turned to ash no matter the bloom

A place in my mind to go so beautiful yet so haunting

Will you go with me though I’m different

I cannot be the dove that perches fervently along my window

Though it is clear that what you see before is me

The place in my mind echos with my heart and soul

No longer wanting to settle in a realm of broken mirrors

Reflecting spaces of water and tide among myself

Currents in the place of my mind take me down

Whole mind whole spirit whole being gone

Complete darkness and shards of glass everywhere

Wind in the place of emotions to carry what once was

Place in my mind that is no more but never ending emotions

Consuming all that’s left of me

My being my soul

The air I breathe

In the place in my mind

Beam Me Up Spock

Everything that is going on right now has made me realize more and more though I always knew this, that the majority of humans are self absorbed, ignorant jerks. I always try to look at the bright side of things but it’s getting harder and harder especially because it seems like not a day goes by that I don’t run in to some self absorbed jerk of a human. Of course we are all human and because of that we make mistakes, hopefully learn from mistakes, carry on and therefore do better because no one is perfect. However, what gave humans the right to treat one another with cruelty and hypocrisy? I guess my world of spreading peace, love, compassion, and so forth is far fetched am I right?

Many of you readers on here who have read my writings or my poetry know that I am a huge supporter of mental health awareness. As I’ve said before we all have our stories, we all have had our share of internal or external turmoil but some of us decide to pick that flower instead of the beast. I suffer with continuous PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression due to the past abuse I endured and I cannot tell you how hard it is to wake up every day and function in society. It is different for each of us that have any type of mental disorder. Do I use it as an excuse? No. Have I ever? No. I choose to pick the flower instead of the beast. Daily I struggle but I choose to be kind to others, I choose to live life to the best of my ability and keep on going even when I feel like giving up. Society makes me want to give up but I don’t.

Humans have failed in so many ways. We have failed one another as humans, friends, lovers, family, and as a general whole to keep this world together. Not perfection but just sanely functioning as a compassionate support system which is how I always dreamed the world should be. I guess I can continue to dream this fantasy of mine.

There are times where instead of the infamous “Beam me up Scottie!” line from Star Trek, I actually think in my head or say “Beam me up Spock!” since Spock was always my favorite. I say that because it is a humorous way for me to get through the bad days if I happen to have an encounter with a jerk or just feel out of my element. I am sure many of you can relate to that feeling. It is a figure of speech though some people unfortunately have acted upon their own figures of speech and some wonderful souls have been lost in this world to suicide. To some it may seem they took the coward or selfish way out but sometimes it is not that. Sometimes it is how cruel society has become and drove some to the brink of death or wanting to die. 

A friend of mine committed suicide in High School. I’ll never forget that. I will say that there are signs that are either right in front of you or there are silent signs. My point is be kinder, be sincerely yourself and be there for people and not just the people in your circle. Be a smile or a light in someone’s life because you never know when you may need it the most or the impact you may have on that person for the rest of your life. Some of the most vulnerable people are not the ones to be afraid of. They sometimes are a light that need electricity to help their own soul stay alive. The vulnerable are not what some consider the weak, the crazy, the attention seekers, the weirdos, or the outspoken. They are like you and I and some others that just care so much and are trying to find a balance in this world of chaos. 

I’m grateful for my loved ones and my few true friends and even strangers I have met that in their own way help keep me grounded and help spare me the literal portion of “Beam me up Spock!”… Without any of them I would not have the strength to continue in this world of self absorbed humans. 

Be kind to people in this shit hole called earth. The Universe is disgusted and so am I.

Peace, Love, Bliss, and don’t give up,

~Sara-Loretta Hardin~

 

A New Beginning

First I would like to wish everyone of you amazing humans on here a wonderful Year. I do not have those so called New Years Resolutions because they have a bit of a cliche. So what I do is hope for a better year ahead, learning from any mistakes or regrets and continue to never give up even when I feel like giving up. I’m grateful for every person in my life in distance or close that has made an impact on giving me the strength to continue going on in this chaotic world. My little family, my few true friends, and even you strangers who are not necessarily strangers on here mean the world to me. Sometimes I don’t know how I make it in this world because though I know there are people worse off my past constantly tries to haunt me and bring me down. Though I know none of it was my fault I still carry the weight of it with me as I do with what goes on in the world. Sometimes it hurts to feel. It eats at my heart and every fiber in me and sometimes I don’t know how I handle it and I cannot handle it and I have a momentary breakdown. All I know is each day is a new beginning and no matter how many times you fall you get back up, no matter how many times you breakdown you keep getting up. You cannot allow yourself or the world to defeat you. With every new beginning one thing never changes and that is the love I have for ones dearest to me, the love I have for all of you humans out there that need it, my own unconditional love that I can say will never change because it is part of who I am and even if it may frighten some people away I will never change because with my new beginning “Love” is what I choose to keep in my heart and even when I am so angry at my past abuser in those moments the love inside of me stays. Not for that person but for myself, for my sanity. So when I reach out the heart inside of me has always and will always be my new beginning that keeps me going. Spread Love and peace in this hateful world and when you feel angry acknowledge it but don’t feed into it. Happy New Year. 

Kind Regards,

Sara-Loretta Hardin

 

 

Meanings

When we look at meanings of everything around us we tend to find both the good and the bad. Sometimes it can hurt and sometimes it can be wonderful and fulfilling. Yet when we look at every angle the meanings become overwhelming. You don’t know what to do whether to inhale the meaning of another meaning and let it go its cycle of meanings. Sometimes it all makes no sense. That’s why we are all human. We don’t make sense to others or even ourselves at times. What we say or do has meanings and even what we present or write has meanings. Yet we all still search as our souls are empty just lurking about looking for meanings. Then suddenly it can backfire and become meaningless but within that meaningless is a meaning and that is to continue to live and search and learn and love to our hearts content. 

Thoughts

 

In pondering about what I wish to do with my life in the next few years I cannot help but think that I will keep failing. My thoughts keep taking over and bringing me down further into self doubt. Though I have learned to embrace my learning disability more over time I am still having a difficult time when I fail. Sometimes I just wish I was an average person. I want to feel smart and beautiful and whole. Though I have a family I don’t feel my self worth is where it needs to be. Continuously a work in progress. Sometimes I just don’t know if I have the energy for it and I find it hard to keep myself afloat. My heart feels heavy and I want to flee from myself. In being as positive as I can be and finding the words to hopefully comfort others I find it difficult to tell myself the same things. It’s the strangest feeling and I do not know how to take compliments. I know I need to accept good things people say about me but I can’t so I just say a mere “thank you”. Sometimes I think that I won’t ever reach my goals and though I won’t give up I feel so inadequate. However there are times where people in society can make me feel that way. It’s something that I am sad to say I am used to. I guess it’s easier for others to treat people a certain way instead of working on their own flaws. That is something that makes me so upset. The world would be a better place if people would worry more about making themselves a better person and stop judging everyone else around them. Truth hurts doesn’t it? I’m definitely one for being outspoken though I have learned to tone it down a bit. It’s true what they say that your past is what makes you who you are. I guess I can agree to that but I won’t let it define me.

WHY

Logically we question Why

The answer is nowhere to be found

Life we live must be lived, cherished, learned, continued

Tearing ourselves apart

Searching for Why

Can’t we see there is no Why

There is Do 

There is Help

There is Change

Then memories follow

The “Why” is just a portal

 

Balance

Electricity pulsating through my veins

Shuddering though unable to move

Memories too painful to breathe

I die with unbearable strain

electric impulses killing off every cell 

memories disappearing slowly 

Fading into nothing but numbness

No balance when nothing left to grasp on to 

Just broken impulses of energy

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